where do I begin

I have a lot in my hand now. both hands
but you can't see it.
Even I can't see it either.


I can see a red apple on my right hand. The mirror version of me.
I'm wearing a white top with white pants and white sneakers.
behind me there's a grey wall. contrasting with the cedar floor.

The lights are empowered by the mustard window sill just above my waist.
Probably I forgot about my brown leather belt I bought last week.
It's not there in the mirror.

Silver curtains are bellowing  softly hitting the black shelves beside the window.
There's a mint tin robot, the square one looking at the blue box under it.

what's in that box?
it's a hard box. with travel vintage postage printed on it like you see on notebooks.


it's not blue. the background is red.

Still looking at the mirror stained with drops of grey paints.
now why there's a spot of green paint at the corner of the mirror.
I look up.


whose room is this? is it mine?
or is it a mixture of my interior collections of screenshots of interior from social medias?
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia. Although I can't pinpoint the exact location on the map.
But I do know it's in Europe.

I turn around to see my back parts.
those muscles aren't mine.

oh my.

I'm in someone else's body!

my week on events

1. Tudung and handbag

I'll always say yes if there is any opportunity for me to interact with people. As long as the job is to interactlah. I enjoy serving customers. Gives me pleasure. Especially when I managed to make them smile even if there's no sale. I did it for experience. I rarely asks for the payment. Well yes, it's not always that good. Somehow I believe that everything I do will eventually turn out fine. Each door will open up to another Insyaallah.

I don't mind breaking fast alone on the street. Well not exactly alone lah. There were other vendors, and hungry pedestrians and cars. Bazaar on the other side of the road. the best place for people watching. I get to watch so many kinds of people. I learned a thing or two just by observing their behavior. Too bad I didn't bring my notebook with me. and I really need to improve my sketching skills especially on living things. Non-living things not that good pon sebenarnya hahaha but not as bad as living things lah.

Retailing and street vendors are very different. We used to haggle on the streets but when you're the one selling, you really have to negotiate well to maintain that profit margin. It is hard to do. Not for the kind-hearted person lah. otherwise you'll lose your profit. No use selling lah like that.

Seeing your friend having a baby gives me that mixed feelings whether to get married or not.
hahaha. I know macam over sikit, but the reality of raising a family is not easy.
I've been thinking not to get married at all.
but then, no matter how strong you are, no matter how used you are to being alone,
loneliness will haunt you down.

I want to see my children grow up with the love that they need so they could grow up and become a person that could contribute to the public and creating a better world to live in.
hahahaha. tetiba.

2. Raya
I'm not sure about this raya. It doesn't feel like raya. Maybe a bit. I don't know. But there's something different than previous years. Beraya for the 1st two days only. Then back to kedai minum and cinema. hahaha.

3. Exam
yup I still have 4 more papers after raya. so wish me luck.

About the previous post, I'm not gonna continue writing on that matter. It makes me sad just by thinking that I was late for a semester. if only...

I was really angry with myself for not having the guts to...

however, that made me realized where I am now. Probably not my time yet.

not worthy enough for anyone. ( that I liked)

but that's okay. I still have my family and friends.

Part 1: The yellow clamp



I woke up sleepy and wet.
The power was out last night.
So sweaty so I took my bath at 2am.
Then I went back to sleep.

Woke up sleepy for sahur.
Thank you Daus for waking us up every morning.
Thank you for your potato bread.
The best potato bread for sahur.
somehow, I bought the right marlboro white.
So smooth not like the usual.

waited for subuh and then I was out.
next class was at 1030.
Channels management with Madam Ainun.

one of my favourite lecturers. 
very motherly like
very calm. 
but kamal woke me up at 8
asking if he could borrow my car to class.
It was raining rather heavily in the morning.
I saw someone tweeted "Palam sky is crying in the morning."
well yes, the sky was a bit dark. 
but not gloomy dark.
not enough darkness to make me feel gloomy or sad. 

Looking at the window and I said to myself
"What a lovely rain."
Well of course Kamal didn't hear it.
"fuh. hujan lebat ni Mal."
opened my drawer and passed my keys.
"nanti aku balik dalam pukul 10 macam tu."
I said nothing and went back to sleep mode.

I dreamt something.
I couldn't remember any of it.
but I do know that my dreams were always about me running away from something.
I was always in a hurry.
always running in an abandoned building.

Sometimes I found myself driving a car. 
or a truck.
sometimes on the left side. 
sometimes from the back of driver's seat.

I woke up at 10
I think I woke up at 10.
or was I daydreaming? 
or just thinking of nothing?

So Kamal got back at 10
"oi belum siap lagi"
gave him a laugh or two.
Then I went back staring at the ceiling.


sow. malam ni apa plan? Conjuring 2 jom. aku payung.
orait. aku dah book 1030 bukit raja. 


"you didn't even bother to read it huh?" 
closed my whatsapp and opened my radio from my phone.

took a really really deep breath and I'm on my feet ready to take the cold shower head on.
"bring it onnn!"
nope I didn't say that.

What I really said was
"woooohhhhhhhh seujuk gilaaaaaaaaaaaa woiiiiiiiiiiii"
let me remind you that it was raininggggg early in the morning.
Even the trees went white!

I think it was 1030.
Ironed my khaki Uniqlo oxford shirt because it's freaking cold.
bought it during winter season. here in Malaysia. 

pfttt. I don't even understand myself sometimes.
oh wait. most of the time. 

I think it was 1035.
Tucked in my shirt and combed my hair to the left.
I hate the extra hair. 
why every barber I met didn't want to cut that part.
is it because of my side parting?

Geram tau. 
rasa nak potong je sendiri.
but I think I looked rather dashing. 
Yes you do. *winks at the mirror*

it was raining.
I though I could maybe probably park my car right up the hill just down the building.
Went up the muddy road and made a u-turn in an empty spot beside the grey kancil.
Drove down the hill and parked my car on a proper road. 
where staffs parked their car.
checked my car lights. 
I went up to the 11th floor.
class already started on channels selection.
sat beside Ameer who sat behind Amir Chang

Giant and Cold Storage are actually from the same owner.
and YLY or YLY (just after the Puncak Perdana) is a company that provides huge storage warehouses. 
and test on Friday. woohooo! 
what a way to end the semester.

class ended at 12.
went down and from afar I saw a group of students. discussing something.
and then I saw a car in front of them with a clamped tyre


ran towards my car and picked up the white paper.
koyak. sebab basah.
and yes. koyak because I have to pay. 
or kopak.

but I wasn't the only one.
Chang also got a ticket.  

p/s: I rarely use these words in any conversation.  
but my bahu pernah koyak lah.

I was in the library with Ameer and Chang when Daus texted me that his car got clamped too. 
So we waited for an hour for Shahrul to end his class.
But then Zuhry picked me up half an hour later with Daus and other 4 girls from our class to the new Polis Bantuan HQ at the new entrance.  

-In the office-

oh Nik was there too.
"This will be the last time I'm paying saman here"
I should be saying that too but I was too dumb.

Daus was on my left. 
The lady has now turned to an old man. 

Officer: awak buat tiga kesalahan awak tahu berapa awak kena ni?
Me: tak
Officer: cuba baca bawah ni. Setiap satu kesalahan akan dikenakan denda sehingga RM 100 setiap satu kesalahan. Awak buat tiga kesalahan, awak kena bayar denda RM300. 
Me: Boleh kurang lagi tak ncek?
Officer: nak kurang berapa %? 50%? 
Me: 60 lah ncek. Saya ada berapa je ni.
Officer : berapa?
Me: Macam ni lah ncek. Saya ada 50 je ni. 50 jelah saya boleh bayar.
Officer: rm50 dah turun berapa percent dah tu? awak buat TIGA KESALAHAN TAHU TAK?! 
Me: .....
Officer: ok takpe. saya bagi 50%. awak bayar rm150. 
Me: 100 lah. (although I don't have that much in my pocket)

*nego till let go*

Me: Encik, saya ada RM80 je ni. 80 lah.
Officer: okay. 80. Tapi next time kalau awak kena lagi kena double tau sebab nama awak dah ada dalam sistem.
Me: (apa-apalah. cepat jelah)

Daus got out from 100 to 60. 
Moral of the story: Check first what is the minimum payment. Nego till that amount.

We went back to our car.
Me and Daus waited for an hour. 
Kereta rosak, short staff, change shift were what they told me of their lateness.
What? you only got one truck ke?

I wanted to go home because I was out of cash. 
but then the time was not on my side. 
I went back to Jentayu at 315. 
Prepared what I can for tomorrow's presentation. 
And drove back to campus.


Because I have to (suddenly) accompany one of my group mates to do some site visit for our presentation tomorrow. 

and  it happened to be one of the best decision I've made or said yes to.

thus this long post. 

to be continued...